Go Away Purists

Just heard about a great Brennan Green 'Pop Your Funk' mix here. Check it out!

posted by AJ @ 7:33 PM 10 comments

Just read a great article on the founder of Technorati, here (which is obviously not a shameless attempt to get my blog actually linked to another one in some way, shape or form - obviously). All about how most of the great technology of the web comes from one guy getting bugged about not being able to do a certain thing. In other words, the web runs on the annoyance of you guys! Keep up the bad vibes!

Sorry about the lack of posts, I've been busy with the real world. But that should hopefully change soon.

technorati

posted by AJ @ 8:06 PM 4 comments

Moving All Your Earthly Possessions! How Good!?!

So anyway, I'm moving in less than a week. The amount of preparation I've managed to fit in to my busy schedule? None. Zilch. Zippo. Bupkus. I figure it'll be easy - just throw some stuff in boxes (ok, I lied, I've bought some moving boxes that will definitely fall apart when I'm lugging them up/down some stairs), throw them in the van I've hired (ok, you got me again), drive over and reverse the process. You might think me a little lackadaisical in my approach. O ye of little faith! I've managed to move 4 times in the past 3 years, so with the benefit of experience, I can appreciate some important facts of the whole shebang. They are as follows:

1. Things Break
Yep, it's gonna happen. No matter how many lengths of bubblewrap/towels/toilet paper you use to protect that commemorative plate from Charles and Diana's wedding, it somehow always ends up in pieces - sharp pieces that have pierced any number of other valuable objects in the same box. What's the solution, I hear you ask? Easy - don't give a rat's arse. So you've lost something to the ravages of time - big whoop. You can almost always replace it and if you don't believe me, check here.

2. Your Housemates Will Steal Things
This is a move that is punishable by a slow and painful death. CDs especially, as when you've got as many as I do, you don't tend to remember all of them at one time. One of my housemates obviously has designs on a bar I have (complete with four stools, beer mats, jugs and some drawers in a very tasteful black wood finish) and has enquired of the possibility of my keeping at the apartment. As likely as Satan ice-skating to work, I replied. Obviously stealing a bar is gonna take some sort of David Copperfield magic to make it disappear from view, but smaller things have a habit of going missing if you don't keep an eye out. Don't accept this as your fate, go and steal something from them, then enter a bargaining agreement to return said items. Preferably on a bridge at 3am.

3. Get To Bed Early
I'm talking the night before here. The last time I moved, I went to have one drink with a couple of mates, since his brother (who was in that Last Man Standing show) was in town. When someone produced some cheekies, I should have said no. This would have stopped me from kicking on to several other clubs, finally waving a goodbye to the group around 6am the day I was due to move. Needless to say, it didn't go well.

But anyway, I digress. Instead of posting here, I really should be packing. Damn it, there better be something good on TV to help with the whole procrastination process...

posted by AJ @ 2:56 AM 2 comments

“My favourite part was when the building collapsed”

So anyway, I was dealing with the usual run of crazies in my job the other day and I gots to thinking: why are people so stupid? I mean, when a show like The OC can make it to near the top of the ratings, am I losing touch with the cultural zeitgeist? (see, I’m smart coz I used that z word!) Or are the amount of dumb people breeding outweighing the number of smart people breeding, thereby dumbing down the human race with each glint in a trucker’s eye? In case you’re wondering, that’s a rhetorical question – of course we’re getting dumber!

Case in point was this story I did on a football player (soccer for you kids who think AFL has any future at all against The World Game), which involved speaking to a few of his teammates. Let me tell you, education is a terrible thing to waste – these guys would struggle against Australia’s Brainiest Kid. Sure, they can put a ball exactly where they want it using only their feet (and yes, I hold the envy of a thousand suns for this), but what if they get a terrible injury that ends their career? Ex-actly. Up the proverbial creek without a proverbial paddle, or even a proverbial mobile with which to proverbially call for help.

So what can we do about this? Not a lot. Well, I’ve got one idea, but... nah, you wouldn’t like it. Really, you sure? Ok, here it is. We IQ test everyone in the country. Then you get the top 10% and get them involved in an emergency procreation program. Yep, get them screwing, and make sure they’re doing it 24-7. Obviously since we’re working towards a leap in pregnancies, the males would need to have several partners here, in order to create the biggest change to the population. And hey, we all want to see a more attractive race, so how about we also include models, porn stars and so on. Still with me? Hello?

posted by AJ @ 10:00 PM 21 comments

Wasssssup?

Hey peeps,

It's been a while, hasn't it? You're looking good, have you lost weight? I managed to grab a spare 5 minutes to sort out a quick post on this blog that has been very quiet of late. That's because work is so freakin' busy this time of year, I barely have time to follow up unsubtantiated celeb rumours, or pose as a 'friend' for quotes in Who or New Weekly. Anyways, with Christmas almost upon us, a young man's thoughts naturally turn to work Christmas parties and the etiquette that goes hand in hand with it. To that end, I've prepared a quick guide so you can waltz into the accounts department, beer in hand and blow your colleagues away. So here goes.

1. Alcohol
This is something you're gonna have to get into, if you want to bond with your superiors and advance in any way, shape or form in the company. Otherwise they'll just pass you off as another disturbing loner who won't Get With The Program. But as the saying goes, loose lips sink ships. Or in this case, your job. Be prepared to look like you're getting stuck into it, but don't get hella trolleyed and wind up having a ciggie with the CEO and describing all that's wrong with the company. They may be pissed too, but you can be sure the pink slip will be sitting neatly on your keyboard by the end of the week. Instead, get rid of the evidence once you've got a little head of steam up and let Jones from Accounts take the heat for getting caught with his trousers down on the dancefloor.

2. Screwing Your Co-workers
Again, not really something I'd recommend. Unless you don't mind a cramped 5 minutes in the bathroom and then making fun of the person the next day at work. In which case, you've just made a lifelong enemy who'll stop at nothing to bring you down. Instead, go for the new person who doesn't know anyone yet. Take them under your wing, explain the political situation and see if a blowjob's out of the question. Kidding!

3. Kicking On
Ok, so it's closing time. You're pretty hammered. Only some sort of hell-bent-on-destruction drinker would consider going out, especially if it was on a school night. But that's EXACTLY what you should do if you want to earn the respect of your peers. Remember, these events aren't really to celebrate the festive season, they're used to sort out the men from the boys. Drink your way through to the first train home, grab a shower and get into work smelling of roses, while others are stricken off the promotion list.

So there you go, enjoy!

posted by AJ @ 10:48 PM 1 comments

Peeps have been asking me why I haven't posted shit here for a while, so I thought I'd better give y'all the heads up. My job workload has just about doubled in the last month or so, so I've had no time to throw out the latest club stereotypes or anything like that. Apologies if you've been hanging (and yes, that still means you mum). But rest assured, I'm not going anywhere and will definitely be back with some comedy gold at some point soon.

So stay tuned!

posted by AJ @ 1:33 AM 8 comments

Clubbing Types Part 2

Ok, here's another few types for your reading pleasure.


3. The Munter
There's one important point to note from the above photo: these boys like to wear sunglasses at night. In a darkened club. Coincidence? Maybe they have ultra sensitive eyes, that need to be shaded from the lasers/lighting rigs you find in big clubs these days. Then again, perhaps there's another reason...

For guys like these, there's nothing better than hitting the darkened corner of the club and chewing their face off while remembering very little from the night. A shame we couldn't get a photo from later on...


4. The First Timers
...whereas these guys would really like to get their funk on, but they're just missing that one vital ingredient (whatever that may be). Instead, they're reduced to colour-coding their cap/t-shirt ensemble, and sweating profusely. Although our guy on the right looks vaguely worried about something. Perhaps he's just seen something pretty weird out of the corner of his eye, a la Hunter S. Thompson in full acid flight at the Mint Hotel in Las Vegas. Let the fun commence...


5. The Good Time Girl
On the off chance you run into a girl like this one, check her knees for signs of wear. You'll thank me later...

posted by AJ @ 11:41 PM 4 comments